Anyone else here struggle with ADHD or something?


(Lagertha! Where are you?) #1

Sorry not a infosec related topic. I was reading the hacker manifesto a few days back and read that
ADHD is common among “hackers”.

I have struggled with it my whole life, a losing battle sadly. I was wondering if there are people
who have such problems here, and wanted to know if you have found some solution/trick to it.

As for me, I am pretty good with computers when it’s something that’s intriguing me. I learn pretty
fast, get stuff done fast, and am in pure bliss. For example for my first big freelance gig, I had to
learn Javascript (I was a noob PHP/Python dev back then; ~4 years back), Meteor.js and other web technologies;
and I did that and built the app in 2 weeks. It was my first real-world app outside of small time gigs. Client was
more than happy with the results.

But I can’t do what I don’t find interesting. It is physically impossible for me to do it. For
example, I spent last 2 months just preparing my CV. I worked for around 2 years with the same
client after that first app until it became physically impossible for me to work with that
particular tech stack, and client wouldn’t let me use anything else. Same thing has repeated again.
Different client, different tech stack, about 2 years of work, and then I just froze.

I froze a lot earlier than 2 years actually. But I would drag myself thinking I was being a
brat/lazy, try a gazillion things to circumvent that. For some reason client(s) kept me around even
when I was very less productive. Perhaps because I won’t cost much. I would/could hardly work for
1-2 hours in a day and charge them only that much. I could live on that because I live a sad lonely
life, have no hobbies, and don’t spend much money.

I think I have done myself a lot of damage doing stuff I thought was improvement. I have tried
(pretty successfully) to subvert my jumping focus. End result being, I rarely find anything
intriguing anymore and it vanishes a lot faster than it used to. I worked very hard to build myself the
habit of not leaving anything unfinished. It worked in the start, but now the pressure of not
leaving something half-done, and the guilt of all the half-done stuff I have put a crushing pressure
on me, so much that I feel sick when I even look at something new which seems interesting to me.
This is just one example; I have done similar damage in many other ways.

Lately I was severely depressed, so I consulted a psychiatrist, and got diagnosed with chronic
depression, and more recently, ADHD.

I haven’t started taking any medication yet, and nothing I have tried has worked for me. I have
tried brute forcing, a lot; strategizing the change, so I could utilize my shifting hyperfocus to pay
bills and have more satisfying life; some zen methods I read on internet; giving myself pep talks,
and a lot more.

Right now I am neck deep in self-loathing and other such emotions. I have recently failed drastically
at another technique I was trying to develop to “mend” myself by building habits, so I would just subconsciously
do the right things. It is always like this after I fail at some super-powered plan like this. And I always fail.

So, again, I was wondering if there are people who have such problems here. It’d be great if you
could share your story.


(Matrix2600) #2

Oh lordy, how do the fuck do I explain this? Ok so I’m a ADHD/Depressed/Multiple Personality/Whatever hell is wrong with me/Sarcastic Asshole. Truth be told I was bullied because well, I’m also coming to the conclusion I’m trans but was born a girl. It was tough but basically my attitude is fuck this shit and I’m gonna change the world because after all we are all alike in one shape and form. I lost a lot when I was younger and have barely anyone I would consider a “friend” because the ones that seem to act like my friends were just using me… I’ve been hurt so many times and never understood why and for a while, I became a cold sarcastic asshole that was a loner. It wasn’t till I got older and became a teenager that I discovered hacking and martial arts. Those in a way saved my life from the abyss as I called it. I gotta thank the few that I can rely on because without them I don’t even know if I would be where I am at. It helps that my mom is very supportive, but it still hurts and nobody can heal the pain that I feel.

I hope this helps a lot but don’t do what I did and blocked off the world because I didn’t want to be hurt again… it gets lonely.

Cheers!


(Lagertha! Where are you?) #3

Too late for that. I am trying to find a job these days so that I would have something akin to a social life, because the loneliness is making things a lot harder.


(lvl1noob) #4

I too feel you my friend, a similar story. I also have started to close myself off to the world, and spend more time alone. I was never social, terrible in classes although i never struggled with the work. That eventually lead to my ADHD diagnosis, and the use of medication to help with it (BTW they work very well, however they screw your stomach up, make you strangely talkative at points, and you wont eat much).

From a single parent family, with a long history of depression, mental illness and drug abuse, I found it much easier to become closed off and distant, not letting anyone near in fear of rejection. This manifested into what i would now call ‘an angry little sh*t’.

As I gained a better control over my interactions with people, i did calm down and start to invite people into my life, however that led to an abusive relationship, to which point i turned to computing. I wouldn’t call myself a hacker, nor have I ever really hacked, but i have a consistent curiosity. I love reading whats posted here, as it intrigues me.

I dont know how isolation will affect me. I’m thankful to be in a job were I get on with my colleagues, however at the end of the day, all I want is to do is be alone. It is strangely comforting however to know that even here, on a forum I found browsing IT subreddit, that there are people like me.

Stay strong.


(The memelord of 0x00sec) #5

Holy moly this is an interesting thread.

Honestly I am not diagnosed with anything. I am just a dumb (yes even on computers) and aggressive person. You could describe me as your everyday thick-skulled bar fighter. Which I am actually, i would not turn down a chance for a friendly brawl. Then again, I am not someone who would commit unjust acts. Everything I have ever done was out of goodwill for friends or strangers.

Back to the topic. It is impossible for me to imagine what you all are going through, so I won’t try to. I have grown up in a strict but loving family and nothing too bad happened to me. But if it helps, I’d like to give some advice.

@ragnar I am sorry you’ve had to deal with that, none of us likes to spend so much time on something we don’t like. I have a two digit, pretty low IQ 83 :cry: so i’ve had a hard time learning anything (and still do), wether it interests me or not. I’d say stick to what you truly love and put all your efforts in there, don’t waste time playing games with oneself. when you do what you like and you succeed in it, your self-loathing will go away, for you have found your place in society. also, be open when the doctor recommends you meds. who knows, maybe they help? maybe they dont?

@Red_Joker i am sorry you had to face things like bullying for being trans. I myself am not a supporter of people changing genders, i have to admit that, but when someone asks my opinion on transgenders, i simply tell them: “i am not in support of gender fluidity, but if they live a good life without breaking the law, who am i to judge them?”. You are who you are, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Those fake “friends” you are dealing with: we all had them, and we will always have them unfortunately. The task at hand is identifying and eliminating them as soon as possible.

@lvl1noob I am happy to hear the use of medication is helping you. There are many people out there who are like you, you just need to find them. The universe has it’s ways to bring all of us closer, even if it is through an infosec forum.

And remember my friends: ADHD, autism, transgender, whatever… they are just labels. they do NOT define who you are! that is the problem with society nowadays, people look too much at labels instead of getting to know the actual person behind the label. it’s sad and it has to stop.

If anyone wants to have a chat with me, always welcome to send me a message here or poke me on irc.

Stay strong friends.


(Astr0cr33p) #6

I haven’t been diagnosed myself, but all that was just described about ADHD I have. If I find something that I’m interested in, I tend to put all my effort into that one topic. I’ve noticed it even more while studying for my OSCP. If I find a topic that doesn’t interest me I tend to skip it. Which I believe will bite me in the ass when my exam comes up on Monday :frowning:


(0x65) #7

I probably shouldn’t be posting here, but I figured why not. I don’t have any illnesses, I have never had depression, I have never and continue to not have any trouble with school (academics-wise that is), I have a great family, and a small handful of great and loyal irl friends.

However, I do struggle with two things (which are nothing in comparison with what you guys struggle with):

When I was a child, I was extremely shy. It has stuck with me my whole life. I’m a lot better now; I am functional in social environments, but quite awkward. I turned 18 recently and I still have never been in a relationship or even had a conversation with a girl my age that lasted more than a few seconds. I have been working an irl IT job over the summer and it has significantly improved my social confidence, but I’m still far from the “norm”.

The other thing I struggle with is motivation. I can’t motivate myself to do anything for long. I own hundreds of games on Steam and have the hardware and time to play all of them, yet I’ve only ever completed three. I am interested in almost everything related to computers and electronics, but I’m still a beginner in most of it. Not because I lack time, energy, money, etc, but because I never stick with anything. I’ll start on a project, video tutorial series, or book, only to give up anywhere between an hour to a week later. I always would rather watch youtube, play a game with some friends, or scroll through reddit, and that is what my time mainly consists of. I’ve also made some improvements in this area recently, but I am still very, very far from where I want to be.


(The memelord of 0x00sec) #8

I seem to have the same problem as you @Assossa. I also quit easily because I have a harder time taking in knowledge than most other people.

I am also a casual gamer, but most games run on Windows. So what I suggest you to do is to say to yourself “i’m going to run Linux for a week”, don’t install steam, and eventually since the best thing you can do in Linux is to work on CS, you’ll get stuff done eventually.


#9

Hi! I don’t have so much time so short answer. I have ADD which is similar in many ways ( most notably the attention stuff) and what really helped me a lot is when i started exercising. This gives me so much more energy during the day and I can stay focused on some of the more boring tasks of the day where i would otherwise have trouble. There are a lot of resources that confirm that exercise gives energy and hormones which make you happy. This effect starts almost instantly after the first time. You don’t need to workout super-hard or like everyday but just some light jogging or something will go a long way. Also eating and sleeping is paramount for me if I am to complete a whole day working.

Have tried the drugs they gave me ( Ritalin) but feel that they take the “edge” from me. I have somewhat learned to live with it instead.


(Lagertha! Where are you?) #12

I feel you bro. I feel the same way as you, on so many levels.


(Silur) #13

I always thought that my, or rather our ADHD in this art is convenient and nobody thinks of it as a burden.
Sorry to hear that you struggle with it


(oaktree) #14