Sorry not a infosec related topic. I was reading the hacker manifesto a few days back and read that
ADHD is common among “hackers”.
I have struggled with it my whole life, a losing battle sadly. I was wondering if there are people
who have such problems here, and wanted to know if you have found some solution/trick to it.
As for me, I am pretty good with computers when it’s something that’s intriguing me. I learn pretty
fast, get stuff done fast, and am in pure bliss. For example for my first big freelance gig, I had to
and I did that and built the app in 2 weeks. It was my first real-world app outside of small time gigs. Client was
more than happy with the results.
But I can’t do what I don’t find interesting. It is physically impossible for me to do it. For
example, I spent last 2 months just preparing my CV. I worked for around 2 years with the same
client after that first app until it became physically impossible for me to work with that
particular tech stack, and client wouldn’t let me use anything else. Same thing has repeated again.
Different client, different tech stack, about 2 years of work, and then I just froze.
I froze a lot earlier than 2 years actually. But I would drag myself thinking I was being a
brat/lazy, try a gazillion things to circumvent that. For some reason client(s) kept me around even
when I was very less productive. Perhaps because I won’t cost much. I would/could hardly work for
1-2 hours in a day and charge them only that much. I could live on that because I live a sad lonely
life, have no hobbies, and don’t spend much money.
I think I have done myself a lot of damage doing stuff I thought was improvement. I have tried
(pretty successfully) to subvert my jumping focus. End result being, I rarely find anything
intriguing anymore and it vanishes a lot faster than it used to. I worked very hard to build myself the
habit of not leaving anything unfinished. It worked in the start, but now the pressure of not
leaving something half-done, and the guilt of all the half-done stuff I have put a crushing pressure
on me, so much that I feel sick when I even look at something new which seems interesting to me.
This is just one example; I have done similar damage in many other ways.
Lately I was severely depressed, so I consulted a psychiatrist, and got diagnosed with chronic
depression, and more recently, ADHD.
I haven’t started taking any medication yet, and nothing I have tried has worked for me. I have
tried brute forcing, a lot; strategizing the change, so I could utilize my shifting hyperfocus to pay
bills and have more satisfying life; some zen methods I read on internet; giving myself pep talks,
and a lot more.
Right now I am neck deep in self-loathing and other such emotions. I have recently failed drastically
at another technique I was trying to develop to “mend” myself by building habits, so I would just subconsciously
do the right things. It is always like this after I fail at some super-powered plan like this. And I always fail.
So, again, I was wondering if there are people who have such problems here. It’d be great if you
could share your story.