Not Anything Hacking Related, But I'm In a Dark Place

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The title is self explanatory. I don’t use social media besides this website, and I feel like I’ve met so many kind people on here. I guess this is my call for help.

Last year, around March, a lot of stuff went down hill. Let’s just say I made a lot of mistakes, and it broke my moms heart. I got sent to my dads during that time from March-June, and I’ll be honest, depression really got the best of me. I was miserable every single day, and it got so bad to the point where I wanted to kill myself. As you can see, I didn’t.

I was talking to my mom about some things today, and then somehow I was opening up to how I felt from March-June. She knows that I wanted to end it all, I’ve spoken about it 3 times to her.

“Remember what I told you a while back while we were going to your Pastor’s moms funeral? And how I told you I wanted to…you get the gist?” I asked. We were both already kinda upset at each other.

She said my name, and added, “Don’t try to make me feel bad about it. I’m glad you went up to your dads and faced the stuff you faced. You stupid teenagers are gonna kill yourselves whether I stop you or not. I’m not gonna hold you and say it’s ok when it’s not. It’s an awful spirit. I’m still gonna move on with my life. I’m not gonna mourn and be brought down if you killed yourself.”

I just…my heart is literally shattered. I decided to let things go and practice Elton John’s “Rocketman” on piano, since I am performing it next Friday. At the ending when it repeats “and I think it’s gonna be a long, long time” over and over again, I kinda lost it. I was sobbing really, really badly. :confused:

I have no words, actually. I’m opening up to my mom about something so serious, and throughout the 3 times I’ve talked to her about it, not once has she ever held me and told me things would be okay. All I got was a heaven/hell speech, and that it was my fault that all this stuff happened…

Friends of 0x00sec, can I please get some advice?

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Just stay strong bro, shit is hard everywhere trust me.

Do you and keep moving on, learning new things, do things that will fulfill you.

Try new stuff out, meet new people, play new video games, just keep doing something
and try to evolve yourself to be the best person you can be

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Thanks so much man. I really really appreciate this. I’m hanging in there!

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First of all, I’m glad You’re still alive and decided to get some help - that’s something quite uncommon
especially if You’re a ‘teenager’ and actually feel what You’re describing.

While I’m not very good at helping people from regular sadness, I have a decent enough experience with depression. I’ve had it, I knew people who’ve had it and I’ve studied it at some point.

Since suicide is the heaviest theme of your post, I’m gonna start with that:

  • If You feel like hurting Yourself, whether it’s self-harm or suicide, please wait until summer.
    This might sound like endorsement but it’s not, hear me out: Winter blues is no fun and, to me, it is one of the most disturbing ways to perish if You realize that You’ll eventually feel better in a different season.

  • Your feelings belong to You, You belong to Yourself.
    You may be important to someone; to one of Your friends, to Your pets, to us, to all of Your teachers and all of the people You’ve ever met, but You’re the most important person to Yourself.
    I was somewhat important to a friend; I hated myself because I realized that I would make her sad if I killed myself. Ironically the hatred that I felt made me want to die even more - the very thing that was supposed to help me made my situation worse.

  • Depression is a disorder.
    No matter how much I study psychology, I am not a psychologist (and I’m not planning on becoming one either). I do not know whether You actually suffer from depression or just feel really blue (I assume it might me a depression because You mentioned suicide). But when You break a bone, when You start coughing up blood, when all Your fingers suddenly turn black… You know there’s something wrong so You visit a doctor (and if not, You definitely should).
    If You really don’t know what to do anymore, don’t be afraid of visiting a doctor.

  • Things will feel sluggish; Your favorite food will lose all of its taste, You won’t have enough energy to learn new things, all happiness will seem empty and music won’t be enjoyable - those are some of the things people have in common when they feel terribly blue. You’ll feel like You’re surviving rather than living. That’s okay. Don’t be hard on Yourself - take Your time (You have lots of it - Your whole life to be accurate).

  • Given all of these points, seek joy if You can.
    If You see a homeless guy chug up a bottle of mouthwash, buy him some water. If You see a lost dog, pet it. If You see a flower, smell it. If You see an advice-seeking stranger on a forum You frequent, try and help him. No matter how small or pointless these things seem, as long as they make You happy, why not?

Do You remember those days when You were stressed out because something wasn’t going very well?
The days You’ve pretty much forgotten by now? Well, these days are gonna turn into those days eventually.

There are other things I’d like to mention but those are a bit philosophical and would make this large-enough post even larger.

I wish You well.

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First off, I’m sorry I never answered. I read your comment this morning, but didn’t have the chance to reply until now. Thanks buddy. I try to remind myself that all things are temporary, never permanent, but sometimes when you’re in tough situations, it gets a little hard to believe.

Whenever I saw the “watch a movie” tip, well, guess what? Today I went on a double date with my boyfriend and his friends. It was really nice. I thought of your comment when the movie played at the theater. :slight_smile:

I been cleaning a lot. I’m like you, I like to keep things inviting and simple. I actually find it comforting. Also, I been blocking out any triggers. It’s hard, but it works.

I hope so. She says she does, and I love her too, but it’s just sometimes she says things that just break my heart. I’ve talked to my dad a few times, and he’s tried to put her in her place. It’s just difficult, because they are divorced. And you’re right, watching a video of someone else in a terrible place you more grateful. I try not to take life for granted, even when the worse comes to me.

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Hey,

I really feel for you, and it sounds like you’re in a bad place right now, so I want to reach out and share some words of support.

As somebody who was in a very terrible place (not very long before I started 0x00sec in fact), I nearly killed myself several times. Thank goodness I didn’t, otherwise, the things I’ve done wouldn’t have ever happened, the people I’ve met would have never met me.

I think I can relate to how you’re feeling right now, “what’s the point”, “Im terrible”, “why do I even bother anymore”, if you’re feeling this way, I felt all this way.

There’s no way to know what you did or didn’t do, if what is happening is your fault, but there is something you can do. You can focus on what you can control.

Right now, in this moment, the pain you’re feeling is temporary, I know it might feel like this is going to continue forever, but it won’t, life goes on, things change, things lookup.

When I was ~14-15 I had a deliberating depression and anxiety, I had literally 0 friends, I would get a panic attack walking into a grocery store, I was a mess, and I hated myself.

Sometimes all you can do is rely on yourself, and this will make you stronger, I promise you. Take everything that happens as a lesson and learn to rely on yourself. Some of the strongest people I know didn’t have the greatest parents, and they managed to push through and survive. Be a survivor. That is all you have to do right now, just survive and hang in there. Things WILL get better, you have the ability and you have the power to change your own life.

For me - I found a deep power in my depression eventually, I literally told myself, I have two choices, I can wallow in my own misery, or I can try and make something of myself.

There’s a reason you haven’t taken your own life yet, and that is because deep down, you still know things can get better, you might not realise it now, but you feel some strength left. Use that.

You can do this. It may suck for the next year, but I’m telling you, give yourself a goal, workout, focus on improving yourself, make an active effort to help other people, find a project to immerse yourself in. The world is bigger than you or me, together we can work and make a little dent in the universe, anything could happen at any point, we could be hit by a truck tomorrow, so lets make our time left on this earth worth it.

Don’t quit the game, let’s win the game. Life is an ever-changing cycle of wins and losses, life is circular, you just happen to be at the loss stage right now. The world is a weird and wonderful place with so many opportunities. Seize them, you can and you WILL be something if you try. That’s all you need to do, just take the first step.

You got this :slight_smile:

(Dm me on Discord if you wanna chat :slight_smile:

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Honestly? Finding a new film is always good. One I’ve recently watched is “Fury,” I highly recommend seeing it!

EXACTLY. Cluttered home = cluttered mind. And you’re totally right about the shower + new clothes thing. If your home is clean and you’re clean as well, boom, you got it made.

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Hey man, we haven’t spoken in a good minute!

I’m very sorry for your unspeakable past. I appreciate you telling your story to me, I value that a lot. I been trying to pick out the pros and cons of things. I’m trying to take it one day at a time. I try to tell myself the same stuff you said, that everything is temporary, never is it permanent.

You’re right with the whole self-reliant thing though, because sometimes that’s literally all you can do. I really like how you considered that everything is a lesson, I never took the time or patience to really think of that piece until now. And, I hope I can rely on those two choices you described, mostly relying on making something out of myself.

I guess you’re right, I think I do know some things can get better if I just give it time. I’ll be honest, the only reason I didn’t do it, is because what if I mess up? I could fail at it, and could live the rest of my life completely handicapped. That’s the big atom bomb for me.

Thanks so much for your advice, friend. You seriously just about made me cry, this made my night. I’ll DM you on here or Twitter if I need to. You got my word.

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I really appreciate that you’re glad I reached out on here. Really, I do. What a great start to a comment!

You’re absolutely right about the time given to us. I try the 72 hour rule; “if it doesn’t matter in 72 hours, it won’t matter at all.” Survival to the fittest, man. Survival to the fittest.

I like the future, however, I can’t even see my future. I know that sounds depressing, but I really can’t. I guess it’s just a game we have to figure out. It’s like The Legend of Zelda; I gotta be Link, taking it one day at a time to get to the end of the tunnel to find Princess Zelda. That’s how I should see life, I’m assuming!

I really like that piece of advice, with the “life is energy,” because life is energy, and energy is life.

I appreciate your time, willing to comment. I definitely will keep you in mind if I need a great deal of advice. Thank you so much, and keep up the strength as well. :smiley:

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Stay strong and keep fighting man, you cannot change what other people say or think about you, you only have control over your own thoughts and actions therefore every time you get in a tough situation like this you have to understand that the best response to this, for your well being, is to ignore it like it never happened and as mentioned above you are indeed the most important person to yourself so act to your best interest.Lastly, having been depressed for quite a while the best advice that i can give you is to be around people you care or/and love (and they love you back of course), trust me being alone in a room for hours can make your mind produce ominous thoughts for your mental and physical being. And again as mentioned don’t be afraid to talk to a psychologist about this. Pardon my mistakes english is not my native tongue also my first post in a hacking site is about psychology lol.

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I am so sorry that you are going through what you are. To be kicked when you’re down like that after being destroyed, yeah I’ve been there too.

The answer lies with putting your head down and grinding away. You do so to grind away the pain, subdue yourself with work you find interest in like cracking, hacking, piano playing, whatever your heart desires. The grinding helps, if your family drags you down get rid of it and make a new one.

One thing I have struggled with all my life was having enough courage and confidence to overcome my own struggles but even more so the struggles of my now girlfriend.

The pain is only temporary my friend, and in the end it will only make you into a stronger man in the end.

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Thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it :slight_smile: I’m hanging in there!

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First off, kudos on taking the first step to reach out and express what you’re going through. That alone takes strength my dear friend and I applaud you. As you can tell there are others who have been through similar experiences and as a fellow brother and human being I can sympathize with what you’re going through. I know there are no words that I can say to ease the day-to-day pain. And even then the truth is it will take a while to get past it. But mark my words my good sir, this will pass. And believe me when I say the elation at the end of it all is so much worth fighting to work through this difficult time and get out of this dark place. I don’t know about anyone else’s experience but personally I have been through losing a fiancé, losing my livelihood, losing a loved one and being beaten and robbed all in the span of a year. I have been through the negative comments from family, friends and co-workers. At some point, I wanted to reboot my career and to do so I had to take grade 11 and grade 12 courses (after 2 university degrees and a diploma mind you) in an actual high school (I was 26 at the time). And I’ll be honest it was tough. For me, the one thing that got me through was my cousin. Not everyone will have one, but it’s good to find that one person who will always root for you.

So my good sir, after all is said and done, it is so worth it to fight and make it through this dark period of your life. I know it may sound like made-up words but believe me every word I have said is true. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit. And when you make it out of this dark place you will know that for a fact.

Keep us posted on things are going and if you ever need that random person to chat with, I’m sure anyone in this community would be happy to chat myself included.

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Stay strong and as other people wrote, if you are looking for just a random person to chat and get all out feel free to reach.

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Not gonna sugar coat it, the feeling of depression is a choice. You can pull yourself away from it. I was depressed most of my teenage years and finally one day I had a realization - I am letting myself feel this way. I learned to replace bad habits with good habits, I learned that if I am feeling down watch something that does the complete opposite. For me it was comedy movies or comedy skits on youtube. - Taking and learning that feeling is apart of growth. I’ve been homeless a couple times between the time I was 18-19, I learned that people can be extremely kind and extremely evil. I fell into addiction from 19 to 23, alcohol and drugs, from that I learned that the circle you keep around you reflects on how you feel and act.

If you keep saying you want to be dead, guess what you’re encouraging yourself to continue down that path. The way to beat depression is building a sense of courage, keeping positive and expecting to get beaten down by life and continuing to move forward when you think you can’t. Picture what you want in you’re head and execute what makes you happy.

Don’t burn you’re world down, build it. - Feel free to message me, on here when you need help. I’ll respond as quick as I can -

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Thank you for acknowledging that I really wanted to talk about what has been going on! For some reason, that touched my heart. I can say that things have gotten easier within this past week, I decided to focus more on me. I hope this doesnt sound too…self observant? I also been writing lately, and have also been reminding myself every morning that my existence is appreciated. I also wanted to say, that I’m really sorry about the things you went thru, I really hope things are better now and that you’re in a happy state. My heart hurts for you. On the whole “finding one thing to get you thru” thing, I would say the little things that people wouldn’t normally think about, that we are gifted one day at a time.

Your words made my evening. I really appreciate it. :smiley: I will definitely keep you updated in the future!

Have a nice life, friend.

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Thank you so much <3

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Honestly, I kinda appreciate that you didn’t say “please don’t kill yourself you’re so special” type of stuff. I don’t know why, but even though you’re a stranger, it kinda felt nice to hear things straight forward. You’re right,I’ll be honest. I need to get myself out of that zone, because things will only get more difficult if I dwell on it.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, it takes bravery to admit that. I never done alcohol or heavy drugs, only weed (I’ve quit, don’t worry). I have learned that a negative attitude can effect those around you, and mostly likely, they’ll feel the same way…give or take.

Thank you so much for this piece of advice. I’m gonna take it and build that courage, not only for myself but for those around me. Also, I will message you if needed. Note taken!

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For some reason I thought I responded to your reply. I’m really sorry that I didn’t! Forgive me, lol.

You’re right, I really can’t change others opinions about me. But, it’s life, we really can’t change the thoughts of others. I’ve been good at shutting others opinions out, because at the end of the day, it’s not like I’ll see them in 20 years or so, we will all be categorized with our own individual lives. I been hanging out with people I care about. I few days ago I went out with friends to the cinema and out for dinner. To be honest, it was really nice, I felt cared for, for once you know? I realized just being by yourself can cause unwanted feelings, you nailed it on that one.

Thanks for your advice, it’s very helpful! Have a great life. :grinning:

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I am here to tell you, to remind you, it is going to get better. It always does. I know you’re in a dark place, your vision is clouded. There is suddenly no light at the end of the tunnel. It feels like you’re just drowning in gray clouds. Everything is void of color, and it seems like it is going to stay that way. But you’re wrong.

Just stop and breathe. Do the 5-7-8 breathing. Close your eyes and think of someone who loves you. Then think of someone else who loves you. And someone else. Did you notice you came up with three people who love you? I’m sure you could come up with many more, too. You are not alone, not in any way.

I know it seems like some people don’t understand, and truthfully, they don’t. No one can completely understand how you feel. You’re you and you’re unique, just like your mind. People will tell you they’ve had similar experiences and you should listen to their stories. You can always learn something from other’s lives. But stop expecting yourself to be able to explain how you feel. It’s impossible. There are no words you can piece together to exactly describe how you feel. Sure, there are words (hopeless, alone, worthless, etc.) that can help people understand better. But you have got to stop expecting people to understand. No matter how much you want them to. That only hurts you more.

I’m telling you this because I know how much time you can waste trying to explain yourself to people. When you dwell on ways to describe your feelings, you’re dwelling on terrible thoughts that just are not true. You will of course be reminded by people that you’re loved, brilliant, never alone and worth more than gold, but you need to remind yourself, too. When you believe that is when things start to change. It’s so funny how many times you will hear those words describing you and you just laugh. Well, I’m here to tell you to stop laughing. Start smiling and be gracious. Start accepting compliments because you deserve them.

When someone tells you how beautiful you are, how amazing you are, how life-changing you are — look that person in the eyes. Cry if you have to, but accept these things are true. That person was always right about you. You are an incredible person who deserves to believe in herself. You deserve and need to know you’re not alone.

You are loved.

Don’t ever forget that. No matter how much it might feel true, it’s not. None of those terrible things you think about yourself are even remotely true.

Most of all, don’t be afraid to speak up. Don’t be scared to tell someone how you feel. Don’t let anyone push you around. Don’t let anyone try to change you for any reason.

Love yourself.

I hope — I know — life is going to get better. I know you’re crying right now because you’re reading these things you don’t want to believe. But believe them. You are every ounce as amazing as I told you, plus about a billion ounces more. You are never alone. You are never not loved. You are never worthless.

You are incredible. You are amazing. You’re going to change the world. You’re going to change lives. You’re going to leave a mark on the world, whether it’s on the kids you teach or someone else, people will know you were there. People will remember you long after you’re gone.

You are so incredibly important. So stop reading, close your computer, turn on some good music and smile at yourself. Don’t stop until you realize how beautiful you are. Look around and I can guarantee someone you love is right outside your closed door.

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