Not Anything Hacking Related, But I'm In a Dark Place

The title is self explanatory. I don’t use social media besides this website, and I feel like I’ve met so many kind people on here. I guess this is my call for help.

Last year, around March, a lot of stuff went down hill. Let’s just say I made a lot of mistakes, and it broke my moms heart. I got sent to my dads during that time from March-June, and I’ll be honest, depression really got the best of me. I was miserable every single day, and it got so bad to the point where I wanted to kill myself. As you can see, I didn’t.

I was talking to my mom about some things today, and then somehow I was opening up to how I felt from March-June. She knows that I wanted to end it all, I’ve spoken about it 3 times to her.

“Remember what I told you a while back while we were going to your Pastor’s moms funeral? And how I told you I wanted to…you get the gist?” I asked. We were both already kinda upset at each other.

She said my name, and added, “Don’t try to make me feel bad about it. I’m glad you went up to your dads and faced the stuff you faced. You stupid teenagers are gonna kill yourselves whether I stop you or not. I’m not gonna hold you and say it’s ok when it’s not. It’s an awful spirit. I’m still gonna move on with my life. I’m not gonna mourn and be brought down if you killed yourself.”

I just…my heart is literally shattered. I decided to let things go and practice Elton John’s “Rocketman” on piano, since I am performing it next Friday. At the ending when it repeats “and I think it’s gonna be a long, long time” over and over again, I kinda lost it. I was sobbing really, really badly. :confused:

I have no words, actually. I’m opening up to my mom about something so serious, and throughout the 3 times I’ve talked to her about it, not once has she ever held me and told me things would be okay. All I got was a heaven/hell speech, and that it was my fault that all this stuff happened…

Friends of 0x00sec, can I please get some advice?

7 Likes

Just stay strong bro, shit is hard everywhere trust me.

Do you and keep moving on, learning new things, do things that will fulfill you.

Try new stuff out, meet new people, play new video games, just keep doing something
and try to evolve yourself to be the best person you can be

4 Likes

I know exactly how you feel my friend. It does get better in time(I know everyone says this, but it is true).

Maybe concentrate on your hobbies/interest/what you enjoy doing… I take it your are into coding/hacking from being on this website? I would do this most days and throw in a film at the end of the day as well(use those free movie sites, etc. Watch a new film everyday lol)

Also, make your pad really nice and inviting. Like I have my place and I have curtains shut so it is dark but then have ambient lighting arranged with one light facing up the wall so light is going up the wall and curving across the ceiling but it is still darkish in the middle of the room if that makes sense. It is just a nice cosy feeling when in the room and it is like that all day/night till I go to bed of course.

Make your life more comfortable and do things you enjoy and that make you happy. Do not do anything you do not want to do or enjoy. That is how I live my life nowadays lol.

EDIT: About your mothers reply… she clearly does love you. She is just being hard on you as she does not want you to kill yourself and probably does not want to think about it. I would recommend speaking to your father maybe? or professional. If you do feel like killing yourself, if you go on YouTube and watch video of someone with a disability ,etc that will show you how lucky you are to be you and will change your mind after watching it for that moment anyway most likely(try it).

2 Likes

Thanks so much man. I really really appreciate this. I’m hanging in there!

2 Likes

First of all, I’m glad You’re still alive and decided to get some help - that’s something quite uncommon
especially if You’re a ‘teenager’ and actually feel what You’re describing.

While I’m not very good at helping people from regular sadness, I have a decent enough experience with depression. I’ve had it, I knew people who’ve had it and I’ve studied it at some point.

Since suicide is the heaviest theme of your post, I’m gonna start with that:

  • If You feel like hurting Yourself, whether it’s self-harm or suicide, please wait until summer.
    This might sound like endorsement but it’s not, hear me out: Winter blues is no fun and, to me, it is one of the most disturbing ways to perish if You realize that You’ll eventually feel better in a different season.

  • Your feelings belong to You, You belong to Yourself.
    You may be important to someone; to one of Your friends, to Your pets, to us, to all of Your teachers and all of the people You’ve ever met, but You’re the most important person to Yourself.
    I was somewhat important to a friend; I hated myself because I realized that I would make her sad if I killed myself. Ironically the hatred that I felt made me want to die even more - the very thing that was supposed to help me made my situation worse.

  • Depression is a disorder.
    No matter how much I study psychology, I am not a psychologist (and I’m not planning on becoming one either). I do not know whether You actually suffer from depression or just feel really blue (I assume it might me a depression because You mentioned suicide). But when You break a bone, when You start coughing up blood, when all Your fingers suddenly turn black… You know there’s something wrong so You visit a doctor (and if not, You definitely should).
    If You really don’t know what to do anymore, don’t be afraid of visiting a doctor.

  • Things will feel sluggish; Your favorite food will lose all of its taste, You won’t have enough energy to learn new things, all happiness will seem empty and music won’t be enjoyable - those are some of the things people have in common when they feel terribly blue. You’ll feel like You’re surviving rather than living. That’s okay. Don’t be hard on Yourself - take Your time (You have lots of it - Your whole life to be accurate).

  • Given all of these points, seek joy if You can.
    If You see a homeless guy chug up a bottle of mouthwash, buy him some water. If You see a lost dog, pet it. If You see a flower, smell it. If You see an advice-seeking stranger on a forum You frequent, try and help him. No matter how small or pointless these things seem, as long as they make You happy, why not?

Do You remember those days when You were stressed out because something wasn’t going very well?
The days You’ve pretty much forgotten by now? Well, these days are gonna turn into those days eventually.

There are other things I’d like to mention but those are a bit philosophical and would make this large-enough post even larger.

I wish You well.

3 Likes

First off, I’m sorry I never answered. I read your comment this morning, but didn’t have the chance to reply until now. Thanks buddy. I try to remind myself that all things are temporary, never permanent, but sometimes when you’re in tough situations, it gets a little hard to believe.

Whenever I saw the “watch a movie” tip, well, guess what? Today I went on a double date with my boyfriend and his friends. It was really nice. I thought of your comment when the movie played at the theater. :slight_smile:

I been cleaning a lot. I’m like you, I like to keep things inviting and simple. I actually find it comforting. Also, I been blocking out any triggers. It’s hard, but it works.

I hope so. She says she does, and I love her too, but it’s just sometimes she says things that just break my heart. I’ve talked to my dad a few times, and he’s tried to put her in her place. It’s just difficult, because they are divorced. And you’re right, watching a video of someone else in a terrible place you more grateful. I try not to take life for granted, even when the worse comes to me.

2 Likes

No worries friend! A film a day always used to help me feel better TBH… (I have run out of films to watch though nowadays hahaha :frowning: )

It is funny you mention the cleaning thing! I am like that, if the place is “clean” I feel a LOT better also… I also find that if you clean the place and have a shower and put fresh clothes on I feel loads better that day also :slight_smile:

1 Like

Hey,

I really feel for you, and it sounds like you’re in a bad place right now, so I want to reach out and share some words of support.

As somebody who was in a very terrible place (not very long before I started 0x00sec in fact), I nearly killed myself several times. Thank goodness I didn’t, otherwise, the things I’ve done wouldn’t have ever happened, the people I’ve met would have never met me.

I think I can relate to how you’re feeling right now, “what’s the point”, “Im terrible”, “why do I even bother anymore”, if you’re feeling this way, I felt all this way.

There’s no way to know what you did or didn’t do, if what is happening is your fault, but there is something you can do. You can focus on what you can control.

Right now, in this moment, the pain you’re feeling is temporary, I know it might feel like this is going to continue forever, but it won’t, life goes on, things change, things lookup.

When I was ~14-15 I had a deliberating depression and anxiety, I had literally 0 friends, I would get a panic attack walking into a grocery store, I was a mess, and I hated myself.

Sometimes all you can do is rely on yourself, and this will make you stronger, I promise you. Take everything that happens as a lesson and learn to rely on yourself. Some of the strongest people I know didn’t have the greatest parents, and they managed to push through and survive. Be a survivor. That is all you have to do right now, just survive and hang in there. Things WILL get better, you have the ability and you have the power to change your own life.

For me - I found a deep power in my depression eventually, I literally told myself, I have two choices, I can wallow in my own misery, or I can try and make something of myself.

There’s a reason you haven’t taken your own life yet, and that is because deep down, you still know things can get better, you might not realise it now, but you feel some strength left. Use that.

You can do this. It may suck for the next year, but I’m telling you, give yourself a goal, workout, focus on improving yourself, make an active effort to help other people, find a project to immerse yourself in. The world is bigger than you or me, together we can work and make a little dent in the universe, anything could happen at any point, we could be hit by a truck tomorrow, so lets make our time left on this earth worth it.

Don’t quit the game, let’s win the game. Life is an ever-changing cycle of wins and losses, life is circular, you just happen to be at the loss stage right now. The world is a weird and wonderful place with so many opportunities. Seize them, you can and you WILL be something if you try. That’s all you need to do, just take the first step.

You got this :slight_smile:

(Dm me on Discord if you wanna chat :slight_smile:

6 Likes

Hey!

First, my heart is incredibly humbled that you would reach out here, of all places. It makes me feel extremely privileged and also somber that you would trust and feel so strongly for this place that you’d express your deepest and darkest needs here.

I’ve always tried to balance my view of life as somewhere between logical and philosophical, but without losing a human, emotional touch. To that end, I’ll tell you exactly what I’ve been telling myself since high school when I first started dealing with extremely dark feelings.

There is Time. I don’t mean that in the sense “You’ve got time”, but that time literally is a thing. Any time I find myself in a dark spot, I think to myself, “There is a time two weeks from now, two months from now, two years from now. I exist in that time.” If that’s true, then it must mean I’ve survived whatever my current plight is. I suspect my source for this logic is the second movie in the Matrix trilogy, when the Oracle tells Neo, “You’ve already made the choice. Now you have to understand why you made it.”

You will get to the future. Please don’t worry about that. Right now, you have to tackle each day as it is presented to you. If that is too much, focus on each hour. If that is too much, focus on each minute, each second, etc. You simply need to live through each measure of time and experience it in such a way that it benefits you as much as it can.

Life is energy, and circumstances are made of that energy. These moments tend to be binary. You can either control a thing, or you can’t. Serenity lies in acting accordingly. If we were to imagine life as a river, it can either be still or raging. If you try to swim against the flow of a raging river, you’ll waste your energy and get nowhere. If you float in a still river and expect to get somewhere, nothing will ever change. Learn to flow with energy when it rages, and learn to move yourself when the energy is still.

Those are esoteric constructs, I know, but that is how I scaffold my understanding of the world to endure hardship. I cannot teleport myself to a better time. But here, right now, in this exact moment, I can analyze the moment and act accordingly. Truly, I am a bit stuck in real life, and I can’t change my circumstances directly. But what I can do is focus on my CISSP studies. I can organize my house. I can better my physical health. I can meditate.

You don’t always have unlimited options, but you always have at least two options. Choose the one that strengthens you. Choose the one that better equips you to flow from second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour.

And know that if you ever need, you can DM me here or on Discord. I’d be happy to talk if you ever need it.

Keep up the strength it took to write this message. That’s the strength that will carry you through.

3 Likes

Honestly? Finding a new film is always good. One I’ve recently watched is “Fury,” I highly recommend seeing it!

EXACTLY. Cluttered home = cluttered mind. And you’re totally right about the shower + new clothes thing. If your home is clean and you’re clean as well, boom, you got it made.

1 Like

Hey man, we haven’t spoken in a good minute!

I’m very sorry for your unspeakable past. I appreciate you telling your story to me, I value that a lot. I been trying to pick out the pros and cons of things. I’m trying to take it one day at a time. I try to tell myself the same stuff you said, that everything is temporary, never is it permanent.

You’re right with the whole self-reliant thing though, because sometimes that’s literally all you can do. I really like how you considered that everything is a lesson, I never took the time or patience to really think of that piece until now. And, I hope I can rely on those two choices you described, mostly relying on making something out of myself.

I guess you’re right, I think I do know some things can get better if I just give it time. I’ll be honest, the only reason I didn’t do it, is because what if I mess up? I could fail at it, and could live the rest of my life completely handicapped. That’s the big atom bomb for me.

Thanks so much for your advice, friend. You seriously just about made me cry, this made my night. I’ll DM you on here or Twitter if I need to. You got my word.

2 Likes

I really appreciate that you’re glad I reached out on here. Really, I do. What a great start to a comment!

You’re absolutely right about the time given to us. I try the 72 hour rule; “if it doesn’t matter in 72 hours, it won’t matter at all.” Survival to the fittest, man. Survival to the fittest.

I like the future, however, I can’t even see my future. I know that sounds depressing, but I really can’t. I guess it’s just a game we have to figure out. It’s like The Legend of Zelda; I gotta be Link, taking it one day at a time to get to the end of the tunnel to find Princess Zelda. That’s how I should see life, I’m assuming!

I really like that piece of advice, with the “life is energy,” because life is energy, and energy is life.

I appreciate your time, willing to comment. I definitely will keep you in mind if I need a great deal of advice. Thank you so much, and keep up the strength as well. :smiley:

1 Like

Stay strong and keep fighting man, you cannot change what other people say or think about you, you only have control over your own thoughts and actions therefore every time you get in a tough situation like this you have to understand that the best response to this, for your well being, is to ignore it like it never happened and as mentioned above you are indeed the most important person to yourself so act to your best interest.Lastly, having been depressed for quite a while the best advice that i can give you is to be around people you care or/and love (and they love you back of course), trust me being alone in a room for hours can make your mind produce ominous thoughts for your mental and physical being. And again as mentioned don’t be afraid to talk to a psychologist about this. Pardon my mistakes english is not my native tongue also my first post in a hacking site is about psychology lol.

1 Like

I am so sorry that you are going through what you are. To be kicked when you’re down like that after being destroyed, yeah I’ve been there too.

The answer lies with putting your head down and grinding away. You do so to grind away the pain, subdue yourself with work you find interest in like cracking, hacking, piano playing, whatever your heart desires. The grinding helps, if your family drags you down get rid of it and make a new one.

One thing I have struggled with all my life was having enough courage and confidence to overcome my own struggles but even more so the struggles of my now girlfriend.

The pain is only temporary my friend, and in the end it will only make you into a stronger man in the end.

3 Likes

Thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it :slight_smile: I’m hanging in there!

1 Like

First off, kudos on taking the first step to reach out and express what you’re going through. That alone takes strength my dear friend and I applaud you. As you can tell there are others who have been through similar experiences and as a fellow brother and human being I can sympathize with what you’re going through. I know there are no words that I can say to ease the day-to-day pain. And even then the truth is it will take a while to get past it. But mark my words my good sir, this will pass. And believe me when I say the elation at the end of it all is so much worth fighting to work through this difficult time and get out of this dark place. I don’t know about anyone else’s experience but personally I have been through losing a fiancé, losing my livelihood, losing a loved one and being beaten and robbed all in the span of a year. I have been through the negative comments from family, friends and co-workers. At some point, I wanted to reboot my career and to do so I had to take grade 11 and grade 12 courses (after 2 university degrees and a diploma mind you) in an actual high school (I was 26 at the time). And I’ll be honest it was tough. For me, the one thing that got me through was my cousin. Not everyone will have one, but it’s good to find that one person who will always root for you.

So my good sir, after all is said and done, it is so worth it to fight and make it through this dark period of your life. I know it may sound like made-up words but believe me every word I have said is true. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit. And when you make it out of this dark place you will know that for a fact.

Keep us posted on things are going and if you ever need that random person to chat with, I’m sure anyone in this community would be happy to chat myself included.

1 Like

Stay strong and as other people wrote, if you are looking for just a random person to chat and get all out feel free to reach.