The title is self explanatory. I don’t use social media besides this website, and I feel like I’ve met so many kind people on here. I guess this is my call for help.
Last year, around March, a lot of stuff went down hill. Let’s just say I made a lot of mistakes, and it broke my moms heart. I got sent to my dads during that time from March-June, and I’ll be honest, depression really got the best of me. I was miserable every single day, and it got so bad to the point where I wanted to kill myself. As you can see, I didn’t.
I was talking to my mom about some things today, and then somehow I was opening up to how I felt from March-June. She knows that I wanted to end it all, I’ve spoken about it 3 times to her.
“Remember what I told you a while back while we were going to your Pastor’s moms funeral? And how I told you I wanted to…you get the gist?” I asked. We were both already kinda upset at each other.
She said my name, and added, “Don’t try to make me feel bad about it. I’m glad you went up to your dads and faced the stuff you faced. You stupid teenagers are gonna kill yourselves whether I stop you or not. I’m not gonna hold you and say it’s ok when it’s not. It’s an awful spirit. I’m still gonna move on with my life. I’m not gonna mourn and be brought down if you killed yourself.”
I just…my heart is literally shattered. I decided to let things go and practice Elton John’s “Rocketman” on piano, since I am performing it next Friday. At the ending when it repeats “and I think it’s gonna be a long, long time” over and over again, I kinda lost it. I was sobbing really, really badly.
I have no words, actually. I’m opening up to my mom about something so serious, and throughout the 3 times I’ve talked to her about it, not once has she ever held me and told me things would be okay. All I got was a heaven/hell speech, and that it was my fault that all this stuff happened…
Friends of 0x00sec, can I please get some advice?